Same-Sex Marriage: Violating Your Right to Free Speech

by Cara on October 28, 2008

in 2008 election, assholes, bigotry, discrimination, fun, homophobia, LGBTQ, politics, religious fanaticism, sex and sexuality, social conservatives

I was reading an article yesterday about the arguments being made by those on both sides of Prop 8 — the California ballot initiative that would outlaw same-sex marriage — and found this intelligent argument from those supporting the family-protecting legislation:

In television advertisements, rallies, highway billboards, sermons and phone banks, supporters of Proposition 8 are warning that if it does not pass, churches that refuse to marry same-sex couples will be sued and lose their tax-exempt status. Ministers will be jailed if they preach against homosexuality. Parents will have no right to prevent their children from being taught in school about same-sex marriage.

[. . .]

“When you have laws that make homosexual marriage a protected class, then the government has a compelling interest to normalize that and must declare anything in opposition to that hate speech,” said Mr. Garlow, who hosted both the recent simulcast and regular conference calls with as many as 2,000 pastors, to motivate the ranks.

Do you so-called “marriage equality” liberals even understand what you’re doing? You’re trying to take away the inalienable right of Good Christian Families ™ to preach openly about how much better they are than you! If this legislation passes, they might just have to accept that there is nothing morally superior about being straight. How dare you?

Now, I don’t agree with those supporting Prop 8 entirely. Oh, I think that gay marriage is wrong (WRONG!), but I don’t in fact think that straight marriage is superior. You see, I oppose all marriage — only, because it’s legal, I can’t tell you that! So, in order to show my support for Prop 8, and because I believe so strongly in the argument above, I’m going to put my own ass on the line to prove how very right Mr. Garlow is.

Straight marriage is wrong.

Why? Sex, of course. Oh, some people say that there’s nothing wrong with sex. It’s perfectly natural, they argue — so long as it’s had only within the confines of a mutually monogamous heterosexual marital union. But NO! All sex is dirty, and marriage normalizes sex and establishes heterosexuals as a protected class, regardless of how disgusting heterosexuality is.

The Bible tells us so, in fact. You see, not only did God not make Adam and Steve, he didn’t make Adam and Eve, either! God made Adam first, and Eve came later. If God wanted Adam and Eve to get married and start copulating so badly, why wouldn’t he have made them at the same time? Clearly, God wanted Adam to discover his own penis and become accustomed to masturbation before ever being exposed to Eve’s alluring yet evil vagina. Of course, with vaginas being so naturally compelling, Eve didn’t need the help resisting the temptations of heterosexuality — especially since women biologically hate sex anyway. It doesn’t take a scriptural scholar to figure out that God believes we should reproduce only through artificial insemination. Don’t you remember the verse about turkey basters?

Now, before you PC freaks start getting on my case, let me be clear that I’m No Bigot! There’s nothing sinful about being heterosexual — only with engaging in heterosexual behavior. God loves all of His children — even the defective straight ones who feel disturbing temptations of the loins. I’m not judging anyone; I’m only letting you know that God says I’m right and you’re wrong, and if you straight people keep expressing your love and sexual urges you’re going to spend eternity burning in Hell.

Of course, because straight marriage is for some bizarre reason legal, and heterosexuals a protected class in our society under that shield of marriage, I’m in a whole lot of trouble for all of my hate speech. Whenever something becomes legal, it also instantly becomes illegal to say that you’re against it, even for perfectly logical reasons like the ones I just outlined above.

And so, I will sit here and wait for the cops to show up and for the lawsuits to roll on in. Anything for the cause.

In the meantime, check out this (modified) video in support of Prop 8!



And donate here to help stop the bigotry from becoming law.
Er . . . the bigotry against Good Christian Families ™, of course!

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{ 11 comments }

1 Rachel October 28, 2008 at 1:02 pm

I agree 100%!

2 Thealogian October 28, 2008 at 2:43 pm

I’d like to point out that as someone who can legally perform weddings in my church…woo, woo, UU’s have had female ministers since 1847…that as a minister (or a Priest, if I were Catholic, and a dude, and celibate), that I can refuse to marry ANY COUPLE that I had reservations about performing the ceremony for. So, if I really truly wanted to marry only Lesbian Vegan Witches, I could totally only perform Lesbian Vegan Witch weddings–hint, there would be bells and tofu. If I only wanted to marry interracial heterosexual couples, I could do that as well. Religious ceremonies and rites are not CIVIL Ceremonies. That’s why heterosexual marriage in the Church and in the State is so confusing. If the church side was symbolic or religious only and if the civil side was legal only, well gee then, if you don’t want to marry Lesbian Vegan Witches, you don’t have to, but I can (and would love to…also, if people think my whole Lesbian Vegan Witches hypothetical is far out, you don’t know my people…though I do love cheese). My religious freedom, as a minister is violated by Proposition 8, but Pastor Dave of the 1st Assembly of God is not discriminated against by the legalization of gay marriage because he doesn’t have to provide the ceremony and the church doesn’t have to provide the accomdations.

peace

3 Aviva October 28, 2008 at 9:52 pm

I think you just made my day.

4 Timothy Rice October 28, 2008 at 11:25 pm

*claps* Very witty and well written, it’s about time someone made an inventive post on Prop 8, with the Write to Marry thing going on I’ve read a ton. You are submitting this right? > Mombian.com if not!

later

5 Cara October 28, 2008 at 11:29 pm

I hadn’t heard of Write to Marry Day until now, Timothy . . . thanks!

6 Pizza Diavola October 29, 2008 at 3:16 am

I love how you took their reasoning and ran with it. Swift is laughing in his grave!

7 Rich October 29, 2008 at 3:58 am

“When you have laws that make homosexual marriage a protected class…”

Absolutely right. This is completely unjust, seeing as religion is not even considered a protected cl…

…never mind.

8 SunlessNick October 29, 2008 at 7:50 am

Excellent post!

9 dewey October 30, 2008 at 4:55 pm

Cara, you sinner, you better go get a divorce FAST!

10 Cara October 30, 2008 at 5:04 pm

Dammit, Dewey, you blew my cover!!!

11 Rich October 31, 2008 at 5:13 am

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