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“A dream you dream alone is only a dream; a dream you dream together is reality.” — Yoko Ono
Nov
29
All Things Must Pass
Filed Under Gratuitous Beatles Blogging | 3 Comments
George Harrison
February 25, 1943 – November 29, 2001Rest in peace, George.
Nov
25
Here Today
Filed Under Uncategorized | 9 Comments
Trigger Warning for discussions of suicide
One year ago, one of my closest friends committed suicide.She was truly one of the best friends I have ever had. I mean that not (just) in terms of closeness, but in terms of quality. I have known few people wiser, more caring, more generous, and more supportive than she was.
It’s particularly interesting to think that she’s the reason this little blog exists at all. I started it because she encouraged me to. I’ve always been the kind of person who needs good, hard, supportive pushes to make big decisions. And she was the kind of person who, if she thought I could do it, I knew I could. I can’t say with any certainty that without her, you’d be able to read this site now. And I can’t even begin to imagine what my life would be like today if that was true.
I wish that I had been able to send her a copy of Yes Means Yes when it came out. I wish that she had been here to read my Yoko Ono series, and to call when Yoko actually emailed me — she would have been one of the very person people I’d have thought of to tell. I wish that she had been able to listen to the Beatles remasters, because I think she would have loved them. I wish that she was going to find out along with the rest of us how Lost will end. I wish that she was still here relaying her funny stories, and giving me advice when I don’t know what to do.
But it’s not something I can change.
I miss you, J. Knowing you, you’d probably laugh and ask why on earth I’d choose a Macca song. But while most of the specific words don’t fit, the general sentiment does. I love you.
If you need help, Hopeline.com offers U.S. suicide hotlines, a list of international suicide hotline numbers, and email and online chat support.
Nov
24
U.S. Sailor Acquitted of Rape, Despite Admission of Physical Force
Filed Under Australia, International, courts, misogyny, patriarchy, rape and sexual assault, sex work, violence against women and girls | 21 Comments
Trigger Warning for rape apologism and graphic descriptions of sexual violence
In Sydney, a U.S. sailor has been acquitted on charges of raping a sex worker who told him to stop — even though he admitted, in court, to using a “lock down maneuver” to pin her to the bed.
A New South Wales District Court jury cleared Petty Officer Timothy Davis, 25, of a charge of sexual intercourse without consent, with the aggravating factor of causing the woman actual bodily harm. The charge carries a sentence of up to 20 years in prison.
Davis was one of 3,000 Marines and Navy personnel on shore leave in Sydney after the amphibious assault ship USS Peleliu and guided missile destroyer USS Halsey arrived in the port in October, 2008.
The woman told the court she had protected, consensual sex with Davis at the brothel where she worked, but said he became aggressive when she told him his time was up and forced her to have unprotected sex. The jury was shown police photographs of scratches on the woman.
Davis denied forcing the woman to have sex, but admitted in court that he used a “lock down maneuver” to pin her to the bed when she said she wanted to stop. He told the court he backed off when she kicked him, though he said he muffled her mouth with his hand when she began to scream after he demanded his money back.
Could we possibly be reading this correctly? Let’s try another source:
She said he “ripped” off his condom, telling her he had paid for sex and he was going to finish it off “like a real man”.
The slight woman said he pushed her head into the pillow, started suffocating her, and had unprotected sex for 30 seconds.
The jury was shown police photos depicting scratches on the woman, who described Petty Officer Davis as an “animal” during an angry outburst at the trial.
In his evidence, the sailor – who agreed his weight was more than double the woman’s – admitted using a “lock down manoeuvre” to pin her down to the bed when she said she wanted to stop.
He said he told her he was going to “finish”, but when she kicked him away, he backed off with his hands in the air.
So, she told him to stop. And even only as far as he admits, instead of stopping as he was told, he pinned her to the bed and told her he was going to continue anyway. I repeat: against her wishes. After she told him to stop.
Which means that as far as any reasonable definition goes — hell, even working off an antiquated and misogynistic definition of rape that requires physical violence to be present — he confessed to raping her.
Nov
20
Transgender Day of Remembrance 2009
Filed Under International, bigotry, human rights, trans, transphobia and trans misogyny, violence against women and girls | 5 Comments
Today is the Eleventh Annual Transgender Day of Remembrance. Today is a day to remember the transgender people (or people perceived by their killers to be trans) who have died as a result of hatred and violence, and as a result of the hateful and violent cultures that support the perpetrators. Today is a day to remember those whose deaths authorities and media attempt to sweep under the rug, whose identities are devalued and erased once they are gone, whose murders usually go unsolved. Today is a day to read their names, and not forget.Here is a list of the 162 known trans people who were killed from November 20, 2008 to November 12, 2009. Most were women. Most were black or Latina. A disproportionate number were sex workers. Several were still only teenagers.
Many of the people listed have had their names, ages, and/or locations recorded; for others, we only know the details of their murders. More still are not listed here at all, because their deaths and the reasons behind them are still unknown to anyone outside of their closest friends and family.
Whoever they were, wherever they were from, and whatever we know or do not know about them, they all need to be remembered, and they need to be remembered equally — along with the reasons why they aren’t here anymore.
Further Reading:
What Does Transgender Day of Remembrance Mean to You? by Monica at Transgriot
International Transgender Day of Remembrance 2009 by kaninchenzero at FWD/Forward
International Transgender Day of Remembrance, 20th November 2009 by Helen G at bird of paradox
the drowned and the saved by Queen Emily at Questioning Transphobia
TDOR 2009 by Chally at Zero at the Bone
Events are being held today in many nations and cities all over the world. Find out if there is one near you.
cross-posted at Feministe
Nov
17
Meet The Predators: But Which Ones?
Filed Under misogyny, patriarchy, rape and sexual assault, violence against women and girls | 15 Comments
Trigger Warning for discussions of sexual violence
Last week, Thomas wrote a post at Yes Means Yes, called Meet The Predators, about recent studies which found that many rapists will admit to rape so long as the word “rape” is not actually used. It’s a great post, and important information to have — I’m particularly interested because I’ve seen similar statistics from the ’80s quoted numerous times, and was literally thinking a day or two prior to Thomas’ post that someone should do a new study and provide anti-rape activists with updated and reliable data. I’m also far from the only one who is interested, as I’ve read at least half a dozen posts about it all over the feminist blogosphere.
But in all those posts, I’ve noticed a concerning silence. Admittedly, it’s entirely possible that I’ve missed the post(s) where someone else said what I’ve been thinking, but I also feel that I’ve read a fairly good sample. And not once have I personally seen anyone explicitly mention that we’re only talking about a certain kind of rapist here.
Nov
16
Man Allegedly Murdered Albanian Woman Because She Was Trans
Filed Under Europe, International, bigotry, courts, misogyny, patriarchy, trans, transphobia and trans misogyny, violence against women and girls | 1 Comment
Trigger Warning for transmisogyny and discussions of violence against women
In September, Kristina Muça was brutally murdered in Tirana, Albania. Her neck was slit, allegedly by a man she had only just met. The alleged motives for the crime were, according to prosecutors and to defendant Sefedin Hoxha’s now recanted confession, transphobic hatred towards the victim.
I’ve learned of this story through reader Kim Burton, who translated the local media reports into English and forwarded them to me, among others. She has verified the translations with a colleague and friend. All links in this post are to google documents of Kim’s translations, with the links to the original articles at the bottom of each. Please note that she has translated them faithfully, including the extremely disrespectful and ungendering language that so regularly accompanies reports on violence against trans people, and use caution when clicking through. The reports generally refer to Kristina as a “man,” “homosexual” or “transvestite,” complete with use of an incorrect name, though her boyfriend has strongly indicated that Kirstina identified as a woman, and prosecutors seem to be referring to her correctly. In the sections I have copied into the post, I have redacted Kristina’s male name, changed the pronouns, and altered or deleted some other disrespectful language when not used in direct quotes or noted otherwise by me. The original documents, however, are unchanged.
Nov
13
Support Sex-Positive Sex Education
Filed Under action alert, education and schools, feminism, sex and sexuality | 1 Comment
Scarleteen is, in my view, the absolute best sex education website out there. And while I can’t claim to be entirely impartial about that assessment — I know Heather, Scarleteen’s founder, and also received a free sex education training through the site this summer — I can say that it’s an assessment I’ve held since long before I had any room for bias.And right now, Scarleteen needs your help with their fundraising drive. You can read the full letter here, if you wish to learn about all of the things that the site has done this year, and what they plan on doing next year. But the part I want to highlight is this:
What you might not know is that Scarleteen is the highest ranked online young adult sexuality resource but also the least funded and that the youth who need us most are also the least able to donate. You might not know that we have done all we have with a budget lower than the median annual household income in the U.S. You might not know we have provided the services we have to millions without any federal, state or local funding and that we are fully independent media which depends on public support to survive and grow.
With all that Scarleteen does, they deserve a lot more.
What exactly Scarleteen does is not just provide comprehensive sex education, but provide honest, scientifically-sound, non-judgmental, sex-positive, and explicitly feminist sex education. They don’t just talk condoms and STDs — they talk sexual orientation, gender identity, relationships, sexism and double standards, abuse, masturbation, pleasure, and more. They don’t just talk about heterosexual intercourse, but about all sex acts as being equally valid and not existing in an arbitrary hierarchy of importance. And probably most importantly of all to me, they don’t just talk about sex — they include and emphasize in every single discussion of sex the importance and necessity of mutual, affirmative, and enthusiastic consent.
Those of you familiar with my writing will know that sex education is a subject that I feel very, very passionately about. You’ll also know that my standards for sex education are set a good deal higher than the standards we normally see stated in arguments favoring the bare bones of what can be considered comprehensive sex education. Scarleteen lives up to my ideal model over and over and over again. And that is something I’ve found to be very rare.
If Scarleteen is also a site near and dear to your heart, if my gushing has swayed you at all, if sex education is a subject of importance to you, or if you believe in investing in teenagers and young adults so that they become well-rounded, sexually healthy people, I urge you to make the largest gift you can:
- To donate to Scarleteen by credit card, online check or via a PayPal account: click here and choose the button at the top of that page for the donation amount and style you prefer.
- To donate by check or money order directly to Scarleteen: make checks payable to Scarleteen and send to: Scarleteen, 1752 NW Market Street #627, Seattle, WA, 98107.
- If you would like your donation to be tax-deductible: you can donate by check or money order through The Center for Sex and Culture, a fiscal sponsor of Scarleteen online here. To mail a tax-deductible donation, make your check out to The Center for Sex and Culture, writing “For Scarleteen” in the memo. Mail that to: The Center for Sex and Culture, c/o Carol Queen, 2215-R Market Street PMB 455, San Francisco, CA, 94114. They will send a written acknowledgment of your donation to you for tax purposes, and will send us donations made to them on our behalf after deducting a very reasonable percentage.
- However you choose to donate, if you want to be listed as a donor on our site, please send us an email to let us know how you’d like to be acknowledged.
And if you can’t donate — and looking at the extraordinary vet bill I paid this morning, I couldn’t possibly get that more — do your part to spread the word about an organization that we absolutely need to see continue and thrive.
Nov
11
Rape Kits: Yes, Still Going Untested
Filed Under courts, misogyny, patriarchy, rape and sexual assault, violence against women and girls | 6 Comments
A government report released Tuesday found that essential DNA evidence in rape cases is often never sent to crime labs for testing. But what our investigation also found is that even when police departments do send rape kits to crime labs, they can go untested for months — even years — while rapists go free.
…
Now, a five-month CBS News investigation of 24 cities and states has found more than 6,000 rape kits from active investigations waiting months, even years to be tested.
On average, six months in Rhode Island, Alabama and Illinois. It can take nearly a year in Missouri. Up to three years in Anchorage, Alaska. One state, Louisiana, has rape kits dating as far back as 2001 waiting to be tested.
“It’s absolutely astounding,” said Sarah Tofte, Research Director at Human Rights Watch. “What’s the point of sending a rape kit to a crime lab for testing if you can’t get to it for say, eight years?”
Better yet, what is the point of subjecting yourself to a rape kit collection if no one is going to give a shit enough to test it?
Nov
9
Not The Man I Know
Filed Under misogyny, patriarchy, rape and sexual assault, violence against women and girls | 19 Comments
We all know the common response from family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances when a man is alleged to have committed intimate partner violence and/or sexual violence: That’s not the man that I know.
It’s a curious statement, and one that I’ve personally run into some variation of in a very specific context twice in the past week, though it’s so common that the specifics hardly even matter. It’s rarely an expression of shock and horror, as we see when a neighbor or acquaintance is revealed to be a serial killer. Then we see men and women standing out on their lawns, stunned but rarely disbelieving, saying, “he always seemed very nice; I never would have guessed that he is capable of such things. It’s so scary.”
When it comes to intimate partner violence of sexual assault, the “I never would have guessed” part of the statement rarely comes. That’s because the beginning of both proclamations are also rather different. “He always seemed very nice” is an observation, conditional and past tense, with a distance to it. “That’s not the man that I know” is not only present tense, but definitively stated with personal yet unrelated experience centered as absolute gospel.
It’s not a musing about how violent people are generally capable of hiding their violence in certain contexts. Nor is it even usually an attempt to justify one’s relationship with a violent person. It’s just a flat-out denial. Perhaps even worse, it’s a dismissal.
He’s not aggressive. He respects women. He’s very sensitive. He loves children. He gives back to the community. Once, I saw him do this thing that I consider to be the opposite of the accusation.
Never does the statement leave room for, “How could I have been so unaware of his violent nature?” Or, “It must have been so difficult for his victim(s) to shoulder the burden of that violence alone, when we all thought so highly of him.” Because while not all of the above statements are mutually exclusive with violence against women, and the perception of any of them certainly is not, the “not the man that I know” declaration never leaves room for belief that the accuser is telling an objective truth. The statement is rather always followed with the words, or at least the implication: “He would never do that.”
Nov
2
School Accepting Donations for Gang Rape Survivor
Filed Under action alert, misogyny, patriarchy, rape and sexual assault, violence against women and girls | 2 Comments
By now, you’ve almost certainly read about the gang rape that took place outside a high school dance in California. I’ve avoided reading the updated details due to the fact that this story hit me extremely hard, but [trigger warning] the initial reports said that there were multiple assailants, the rape continued for about two hours, somewhere around 15 to 20 students were believed to have watched and/or cheered on the rapists, and the 15-year-old victim had to be airlifted to the hospital in critical condition.
I haven’t had much to say about the case both because it has particularly affected me, and because anything I would have had to say, someone else said first and very well. But I did want to pass along this important piece of information about something small that we all can do, found via Shakesville. The school has set up a fund to help the victim and her family financially, and will also pass along messages of support:
Richmond High School is accepting cards and donations for the victim and her family, which should be mailed to the school at 1250 23rd Street, Richmond, CA 94804-1011. Checks should be made out to the Richmond High Student Fund, with “For sex assault victim” written in the memo line.
I strongly urge you to donate if you can. And if you can’t, difficult though it might be to find something to say, and inadequate as it may feel, sending a short note will only cost you a stamp and a few minutes of your time. Please do so, and pass along the information.
ETA: via SAFER, donations can also be sent to: Richmond High Jane Doe, account No. 041-30-1188, Mechanics Bank, 3170 Hilltop Mall Road, Richmond, CA 94806.
cross-posted at Feministe in Exile (our temporary home while the site is renovated)
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“Men, their rights, and nothing more; women, their rights, and nothing less.” — Susan B. Anthony
