Comments on: Not The Man I Know

By: Acey

Acey — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 00:13:07 +0000

Thank you for this post. It makes it a lot easier to hold the two truths about my husband. That he seemed like a nice guy. And that he raped me.

By: cleaner light

cleaner light — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 12:37:43 +0000

hi cara, i’ve been reading your blog for a while. thanks so much for this post, it’s so clear! i always struggle to explain to people why this attitude is SO wrong, and SO destructive. in writing this stuff you are potentially giving us all the verbal tools to confront these attitudes. i wrote something in my blog, inspired by this piece: http://cleanerlight.blogspot.com

By: Not the man I know « Chasing My Own Tail

Not the man I know « Chasing My Own Tail — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 04:34:56 +0000

[...] Another post about domestic violence, this time I’m just going to link to an article from The Curvature, titled ‘Not the Man I Know’, discussing how easily people dismiss revelations of intimate partner violence, because the image [...]

By: U.S. Marine Acquitted of Rape, Despite Admission of Physical Force : The Curvature

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 16:31:29 +0000

[...] That belief was, of course, ultimately validated by the jury. But why? Because the victim was a sex worker, and many people believe that sex workers have no right to bodily autonomy, and therefore cannot be raped? Because she had consented to the sex up to that point, and many people believe that women who have consented to sex generally have no right to bodily autonomy, and therefore cannot revoke or renegotiate consent once it is given? Because the rape may have “only” lasted a few moments, and how could a rape — of a sex worker! who had previously consented! — possibly “count” as real rape? Because Davis is a marine, and therefore he doesn’t look how most people expect a rapist to look? [...]

By: wiggles

wiggles — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 21:27:03 +0000

I got this with my mom when I was a kid, and to some extent I’ve gotten it as an adult. She was (still is, but now I can avoid her for the most part) emotionally abusive. I’d try to commisserate with friends who would have brilliant things to say like “you only get one mother” and “she seemed nice when you introduced me to her that one time.” Like all *bad* people have horns on their heads and warts on their noses and spend all their time twirling their moustaches and cackling madly.

By: Some blogwhoring… « random babble…

Some blogwhoring… « random babble… — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:46:04 +0000

[...] at the Curvature: Not the Man I Know: It’s not a musing about how violent people are generally capable of hiding their violence in [...]

By: Weekend Link Love « The Feminist Texican

Weekend Link Love « The Feminist Texican — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 16:04:39 +0000

[...] The Curvature: Not the Man I Know [...]

By: Julie

Julie — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:10:55 +0000

I have always wondered about this & also the typical statement we hear after someone’s heinous act is revealed:

“He was a nice guy – he was quiet and kept to himself.”

What a load of bull.

This was an excellent way of putting this into perspective…

By: Carol

Carol — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 08:32:35 +0000

The denial leaves the person doing the denying a sense of power, though – like they DO know, and that this can protect them and the people they love from abuse.

It is terrifying to acknowledge that you can completely misjudge a person – that there really is no protection for you from violent people – esp’ly ones you might feel you know well.

By: Reading Recommendations « Clarkle

Reading Recommendations « Clarkle — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 21:07:54 +0000

[...] “Not the Man I Know” (or He wouldn’t do that) [...]