There are plenty of stages of a blooming relationship, first, there’s the excitement of the chase, the dates, the anticipation for the first kiss, the sex, and maybe, there is a relationship that comes after that, however, in many cases, and for oh so many reasons, relationships can end in a heartbreaking train wreck, getting a girl to fall in love with you is one thing, winning an ex back after her losing attraction is another, but the hardest accomplishment is to maintain a girl’s attraction and interest forever.
When getting an ex back, there’s really no guarantee that your ex is going to be as equally invested in fixing the relationship as much as you are, but in this article, you will learn how to get through this painful break up, and while there is no guarantee you can get your ex back, this will definitely increase your chances of doing so.
This is an article written specifically for those who are willing to do what it takes to get an ex back, if you’re going through a difficult break up, then this article is going to help you get through it and give you much more enlightened perspective.
This article is about all of the steps that I consider necessary to get an ex back and fix the relationship, this is pretty orderly and accurate as to counteract the chaotic emotional state that inevitably comes with a break up.
The importance of having a proper plan to follow cannot be understated, after a break up, there’s a lot of pain and hurt that is going to follow, it is similar to having a loved one dying, you are more inclined to react emotionally and may end up doing something that will hurt your chances of having a second chance with your ex, most people actually end up making a lot of mistakes.
Therefore having a solid and comprehensible plan can give you a sense of order, and limits the chances of any mistake happening, it would also help with setting you on the right path to either getting an ex back, or getting over an ex, this article will give you the plan and the steps needed, and most importantly WHY these steps need to be followed.
1- First Step to get your ex back: Limiting the damage
The first step “this means you don’t show any needy behavior, you don’t act desperate, you don’t contact your ex for a while, this is a trap you fall into when you feel the need to do something, also known as the “illusion of action.”, it is usually a result of acting on the heat of the moment and doing something you will regret 5 seconds later when you feel the need to do anything drastic to get your ex’s attention, realize that it is your instinct holding on to your ex’s memory, and stop it at that, there are plenty of mistakes to avoid such as:
Calling or texting them during the no-contact period: most people actually overdo this, texting or calling their exes multiple times, hell, it is already a big mistake to slip up and call them even once, doing it multiple times signals neediness, lack of options, and straight-up mental weakness, this is in no way attractive at all, your instincts basically try to do a damn good job at convincing you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they won’t forget you.
This is counter-intuitive indeed, but this is how it works, whenever you contact an ex, you are reinforcing the idea of you being completely helpless without them, it is not the image you want to leave in their heads after a break up, if your ex is a girl, then I must let you know this little fact,
women are not attracted to emotionally needy men, and they absolutely are not attracted to a man that needs them to be his mother, your ex-girlfriend is a woman after all, which respects masculine strength, by contacting her after she broke up with you, you’re shooting yourself in the foot.
If you want to take my advice, you ought to be careful when drinking since you might end up drunk calling or texting an ex, and you would almost definitely say something on the lines of “I miss you” or “I love you.”, but if you’re going to drink, which is something I strongly advise against in the first place anyway, have a friend with you and have him hold your phone for you to prevent that mistake from ever happening.
And while you may be wondering how to get your ex back after no contact, don’t worry, I’ll cover that one a well.
Another common mistake is trying to use sympathy by begging in a pleading, I mean, seriously, this should be obvious to anyone with a brain cell, do not beg, do not cry in front of your ex, unless you wish to drive them as far away from you as possible, completely turning them off and killing whatever chance you had at getting them back in the first place.
Seriously, if begging worked, no one would read this post in the first place, here’s the point though, if your partner decided to unilaterally break up with you, it means they no longer care, you begging and pleading, isn’t going to change that, it would merely destroy your image in their eyes, maintain an air of detachment, decency, and mystery after a break up.
Whatever reason led to the break up isn’t going to suddenly change with your romantic gestures and bargains with reality, you will only make yourself look bad and in a weaker position, so don’t do it.
I think it is important for me to mention that common sense and culture would reinforce the idea of romanticism in this case, but as I said before, this advice I’m giving you, is counter intuitive, but it sure as hell works, stop thinking that showing your partner that you cannot live without them is going to work, do the exact opposite of what you think you should do, and give your partner space instead of smothering them.
Another common mistake, is letting your ex use you like a doormat, bowing down to their every whim, agreeing with every opinion they have, that is devaluing to you, and that is unattractive and just reaffirms your ex’s decision to leave you.
If you choose to bend over to your ex, you are ignoring the simple fact that human relationships do NOT work that way, choosing to sacrifice your boundaries and values is not productive to your overall image, don’t go that way.
This is yet another trick your head will play against you; the idea of “I will sacrifice my own dignity, values, and morals to get my ex back” simply backfires against you, making you feel even more frustrated.
Long story short, if you let your ex walk all over you, and you agree with their small transgressions, you set yourself up for failure in the long run, this is not okay, and having your ex back at the cost of your own sanity is simply not worth it.
People in general, don’t respect pushovers, and no girl ever wants to be with a submissive man – learn how to be an alpha male – even if you do get your ex back, it is a ticking clock before they eventually leave you, and this time, they leave you for good, a healthy relationship has boundaries, without self-respect, everything else erodes including your relationships, have some self-respect, don’t do the same thing most men do, beg and plead, be a doormat, then get dumped, AGAIN.
When you do get your ex back, be careful when showing emotion, especially romantic ones, if you overdo it, you will go back to the needy trap, and it is the last thing you want to do,
Showing your ex that you love them, backfires on you for many reasons, the first one being, it is NOT reciprocated,
Yet another mistake is to shower your ex with validation, and romantic gestures, there’s no rush, and there’s absolutely nothing that calls for it if your ex isn’t reciprocating if your ex left you in the first place, take the hint, she doesn’t want you….’for now’
It does not matter how much you love them if it is one-sided, in fact, it would have the opposite effect, flirtation is welcome when she likes you, creepy and needy if it doesn’t.
Your ex knows how you feel, they knew it back then when they broke up with you (or you, them), and they know it now, the point is that they already did decide to go with the break up anyway, and the reasons why you broke up, whether its boredom, cheating, lack of sex, are not just going to disappear after the break up, they are an ever present mark on historical romance, especially desperate romance isn’t going to magically change anything, so don’t guilt-trip your ex and don’t try to trap them or smother them with romance, back away from doing such things.
Another mistake to avoid and this is actually something I personally discovered, is contacting an ex right after you find out that they are dating someone new, my ex called me 13 bloody times when she saw a picture of mine with another girl, why you may ask? It is called “competition anxiety”, needless to say, it turned me off to see her act so needy after a long month of no contact, my point is if your ex is on a rebound, don’t freak out, most rebounds are doomed to fail in the first place.
Having a rebound is not exactly a sign that they will fall in love with the new guy/girl and forget about you, but it could very easily be them trying to avoid dealing with the break-up, and it will take them much longer to get over you.
If your ex is on the rebound, don’t comment on it, don’t freak out, simply do nothing, and for the love of God don’t act passive-aggressive, threaten your ex or tell her to break up with the rebound, if the break up happens, and it will don’t play part in it.
There will be no anger on your part as well, not overtly anyway, if you have any negativity, keep it to yourself, and preferably take it out on the gym, or some other productive endeavors.
Also, don’t harass or resort to name-calling an ex, since you’re just going to put yourself on blast, and it can be used against you, there is a difference between a break up and an argument, an argument is bilateral, a break up is almost always unilateral.
Anger never works, especially if your ex is serious about going through with the break up, you get angry, emotional or doing literally anything I mentioned above will just reinforce the idea that they already have in their heads, that the break up was necessary and that you two might not be right for each other.
The last thing that needs mentioning is that obsessing over an ex and trying to come up with crazy stories and scenarios based on their Facebook and social media posts is a really, and I mean really bad way to go, your mind might and honestly will probably start coming up with the craziest scenarios possible.
Avoid the trap of misinterpretation, and the obsession that you feel about your ex, it’s unhealthy, even if your ex has no idea that you’re obsessing over them, YOU are thinking about, you are hurt, you are in pain, is it truly worth it? You answer that question by yourself.
The future is uncertain, part of it, is within your control for sure, what your ex does, isn’t, whenever you start asking yourself questions like “will my ex come back? Are we meant to be together? Do they miss me? Will I be forgotten? Are they happier without me? Was their latest post about me?” please stop yourself for one second, get off your fantasy, and come back to the real world, they left, that’s it, that’s what you need to know, nothing more, nothing less, these questions cannot be answered, they lead nowhere, and they are counterproductive to your mental sanity.
Your thoughts are yours; your ex’s thoughts are theirs, no one, can change that.
These questions represent your insecurities about the future, when honestly; you should be looking forward to building your future on your own, give yourself a mental break, enough with the impossible philosophical questions.
2- No Contact Rule To Get Your Ex Back:
This is where you adopt the no contact rule, I have already written about this before, you will not contact your ex, text, or call them under any circumstance, it is the no contact rule, and it is quite popular after break ups.
Let me sum it up for you, this is quite a simple rule, and it is by far, the best thing you can do, YOU DO NOT:
- Call your ex
- Message your ex
- Use social media to approach them
- Write posts mentioning them or eluding to them
- Telling something to their friends hoping it will reach them
- Keeping them around as friends
There are many reasons to do no contact, besides giving your ex space and removing the negativity from the break up and limiting the damage already done. Like I mentioned before, most of this stuff will be counter intuitive, mainly because your instincts will tell you that you will be forgotten if you don’t contact, if you’re not visible if you don’t (and dare I say) “remind them that you exist”.
if I’m being honest, not contacting your ex is actually giving them time to miss you, and yes, before you ask, they will wonder why you are not contacting them. Make sure you don’t make any of the mistakes I mentioned above, by doing that, you avoid being seen as needy or unattractive, and let’s move on to the next step.
There are many reasons why you should stop contacting your ex, that go way beyond your desire to get them back or impress them with your “strength of character”, you yourself need some time and space away from that relationship, it gives you a better perspective.
Let us be honest here, no one is feeling good after a break up; you are human, seriously, everyone no matter how strong they are would be somewhat of a mess at this point, to varying degrees of course.
You need to sit down, analyze the situation, process your emotions, and this does in fact take a lot of time, might be weeks even, perhaps getting your ex back isn’t even the right decision for you to make, perhaps that is up for you to decide, once you get clarity over the situation you are in.
Maybe you are missing your ex due to habit, perhaps you’re just used to them being around, it is very natural for humans to get attached to one another after a long period of time, starting no contact will make both of you feel anxious and somewhat empty, but it is a necessary step to go through, once you’ve been in a long term relationship, your identity becomes intertwined with the other person, cutting them off can and will be painful.
This is primarily why we want our exes back, the feeling of desire and wanting, usually comes from the emptiness we feel, this, as you have guessed, is also the reason why people go to rebound relationships as well, to “fill in the hole” left by the break up.
People who have high levels of anxiety are those who usually end up feeling the most empty, however, this is in fact unhealthy attachment, getting them back might make you feel better but it is certainly NOT healthy, you have to use this time to learn how to be single again, being comfortable by being alone is an art you should master, because no matter what, in this life, you will be in situations where you’ll be alone.
When doing no contact, your mission is not hurting your ex, this is therapeutic for you, a time to face life and find happiness on your own, that is all, you must use this time to reconnect and rebuild your relationship with yourself, and you know that you’re doing well when you can find happiness without your ex.
If you want your ex back, but you know deep down you don’t “need” them to survive, that is when you know you’re moving on, slowly, but surely.
After you have mastered being alone, after you find your center again, getting your ex back is more possible, rather, the chances increase for getting them back, and even more for keeping them, since you have discovered your center again, and you are overall a stronger person.
As stated above, you must regain yourself love and self-confidence to get your ex back, and you cannot do that while using them as your emotional crutch, being alone for a long time while not contacting them, is the answer to do that.
During the no contact period, self-improvement becomes the name of the game, reading more books, improving on your career, becoming more physically attractive by hitting the gym, and eating properly is EXACTLY what you should be doing.
You need to become someone else, someone better who would not make the same mistakes as before, when meeting or talking to your ex after the no contact period, you want to have their attraction, and you simply cannot do that unless you have their respect, and you can only do that when you’ve gotten better without them by making a lot of positive changes in your life.
Make sure you apply this advice, as it can make or break your chances with your ex.
Though proper healing can never be achieved by keeping contact with an ex, directly, indirectly, in person or in social media, no contact is no contact, and let’s be very clear about something, this means absolutely NO stalking either, it only adds more unnecessary stress to your situation, which is the last thing we want to have happened.
When you’re stressed out, and in a constant state of overthinking, you either end up halting your healing and your personal growth, or you end up losing confidence, I think that we all agree that we should go no contact, it is pain that you must go through with sheer confidence in yourself, after all, how many men have the balls to do that?
Well, you might be asking the oh so frequently asked question, “for how long do I have to do no contact?”, the answer could be a month, some say two months, but I say “as long as it takes to heal yourself”, I’m absolutely not a fan of putting numbers on top of human emotion, they are not as simple as that, my answer is and always will be “as long as it takes.”
Yet another frequently asked question is “what is my ex doing during no contact”?
The answer to that is, not your business at all, are they thinking about you? Absolutely, are they wondering and asking the same questions you are asking? Most likely, does it matter? Absolutely NOT.
You won’t tell them you’re doing no contact, by the way, this is a covert game, sending a rather clear message which is “I can do this without you.”
I say if you want to occupy a large space in their minds, you need to keep the mystery, you need to let them wonder why you’re not contacting them at all, spelling it out for them directly just defeats the point of doing no contact.
If your ex is contacting you on a daily basis or calling you out of the blue, it could be a perfect opportunity to set a boundary and tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them yourself, simply let them know, without being hurtful or rude, that you need your space.
An important thing I should let you know is that doing no contact is in no way shape or form rude to your ex, and if you say it is, I’d say it is no way near as close as they breaking your heart was, point is, if it is rude, then I don’t want to be nice.
Besides, no contact isn’t necessarily done to get an ex back, it is also done to achieve inner peace and detach from an emotional situation, something that is necessary for having the right perspective.
You should not be concerned at all if this seems rude to your ex, their mental well-being is their job, not yours. To top that one, wasn’t it rude of THEM to dump you unilaterally without care for your feelings, every time you get a feeling of false or “misplaced” sympathy, you have to know that this is exactly what they chose to do to you as well, leave them as they have left you, it is only fair.
If your ex calls you or texts you, do not be in any rush to answer them, the ball would be on your court, hit it back whenever you want, but don’t answer them until you are feeling better about your own life first.
I personally prefer that you do not respond to your ex’s calls and texts, engaging in even more time with your ex is a sure fire way to be obsessed with them again, don’t answer their call, don’t answer their texts, if you want me to give this an even darker tone, some exes are so manipulative, that they would eventually try to play mind tricks to keep you obsessed with them.
If you’re doing no contact, or if you’re still not satisfied with your life alone, dealing with your ex will be from a position of scarcity, and belonging almost, it is inadvisable to engage in conversation with them again, don’t answer them again.
Scared your ex might move on? Gets with another person after you? Forgets about you?
Don’t be ridiculous, that’s not how human nature works.
If your relationship with your ex was intimate, then it would never be as easily forgettable, actually, no contact is going to make it impossible for a girl to forget you, if that’s what you’re wondering, no contact shows abundance, power, and dominance, other than that, I’ve nothing else to add if you creep on your ex or stalk them, then you’re defeating the point of no contact, I feel like I should note this again for emphasis, unless you want to seem needy, or creepy, and maybe get a restraining order against you and simply blow all your chances away of course.
No contact also makes them more prone to forgetting negative memories, as we tend to see the past mostly through rose colored glasses, therefore clearing your image and any mistakes that you may have done in the past, and what do you have to do? Nothing, that’s exactly it, you do nothing.
Well …. Now we’re getting to a point that makes me and your friends and your mom frustrated, “can I just not contact my ex for a few weeks instead of months?”
The answer is simply, and unapologetically “no”, just NO, it takes time for people to forget the negative sides of their pasts, a few weeks will simply not be enough, you need to give them and yourself the point. Before I feel like I’m starting to beat a dead horse, unless you show strength and improvement and self-control, your ex will simply have no reason to be with you.
Concerning children, if you and your ex have kids in toe, seriously, limit the contact to when it is absolutely necessary, and don’t respond emotionally to their flirts or their jabs at you, this is for the
kids, I need you to control yourself and not let your control slip away from you, if your ex gets the impression that they can have you whenever they want, that’s it, they will continue doing exactly what they were doing before.
BUT, if they choose to engage with you again on a personal level, it is a perfect opportunity for you to simply say “I do not wish to discuss personal matters with you and I expect you to respect that.”
If you and your ex live together, I have already written a detailed article on “breaking up if you’re living together with an ex.” It goes into detail about the financial, emotional, and logistical aspects of a co-habitation scenario break up.
Also, we have to discuss a certain important point here, if you didn’t put effort into a relationship while it was there, but were only interested AFTER the break up? Doesn’t that strike you as weird? It is almost as if it’s the pride of the chase and not your partner that you’re interested in, which is actually fairly common.
The interesting part about this no contact period is that you can have all the time to wonder about your behavioral patterns, what you like, what you don’t like, your true compatibility with your ex, it is called “introspection”, and it is the biggest curse and bliss to have as a thinking human being, use it positively.
If you’re obligated to talk to your ex with children or cohabitation (or both), establishing clear boundaries and letting them know beforehand is necessary, “Hey, look, I want to move on and I can’t do that if we act around each other like we’re best friends, it is awkward and it makes it harder than it needs to be, respect my limits, let’s keep our talks to the necessities.”
If you care enough to communicate the point further, tell them that you wish to have time for yourself and think about many things, sort yourself out, if they aren’t toxic, if they have any shred of empathy, they would understand that you also have your own issues and you want to deal with them, preferably alone.
Your ex has to deal with you not being around for a few months, your desire to read minds and know exactly what the other person is thinking like you’re some sort of psionic is a non-factor in this equation, but let me tell you about the confessions I had from men and women in their break ups when they didn’t talk or see their exes:
“losing him after the break up made me face reality without him”, Is what one of my female friends told me, if her ex had stayed in contact with her, she would have taken him for granted knowing that he is her safety net, him doing no contact made her miss him, put him on a pedestal and wonder if their break up was the right decision.
A break up means “losing someone”, if they never lost you, then they will never grieve, or wonder about you, or even feel the emptiness, sticking around after a break up is a fool’s game, this is the absolute truth.
Your ex has many ways of dealing with the break up, they may get angry at you, they may contact you excessively, they may ignore you and may even talk crap about you, it all depends, an emotional person is unpredictable, they will absolutely start stalking you, that is not even a question, my first ex stalked me for 6 months after the break up, another one contacted me after 2 years and told me she was keeping track of my every post, like, bloody hells, I needed no more proof after that one.
Consequently, your ex might do no contact as well, or contact you casually or might try to start a relationship again, some of them get toxic after the break up, all I’m saying is, this is a true test of your character and your ex’s character.
3- Self-improvement To Get Your Ex Back
Arguably the most hated part since it is the hardest ones, the first parts were about non-action, this is about actually taking action, you can sit at home if you want, starting at your phone screen waiting for that messenger pop up with her pictures like an elite sniper, which will be the ultimate exercise in futility and time wasting, or you could man up and use this time to become better, this month will be miserable regardless of what you do, HOWEVER, being miserable while lifting weights is arguably a thousand times more badass than being miserable at home eating junk food and being fat and lazy.
Of course, this does not mean you don’t take time to process and grieve after the break up, but you need to establish a semblance of order in your chaotic mind, enjoy the things you used to before the relationship, that’s the only way of possibly being happy again without resorting to addictions.
Before you get your ex back, you need to get yourself back, individuality is sexy. As a starting point, here are the basic ideas:
Improve Your Looks And Your Body
During the no contact period, you have to let your ex see a new version of you, preferably a stronger, more confident look, much sexier since I’ve already written in detail about this part, let me sum it up very quickly, you get yourself a haircut, you fix any problem with your teeth to brighten that smile, you absolutely and religiously hit the gym and become the sexiest man you can be, and consider a change in your outfit if you feel that is necessary. Whatever you do though, take it slow, no drastic changes need to be applied at the moment, no crash diets, none of that shit.
You could benefit from confidence boosting habits as well
confidence is something that I avoid talking about directly since it is ridiculously overused and sold as the antidote to literally any problem no matter what nature it is, but its draw and usefulness cannot be understated, you have to understand on a deep level, that your happiness and confidence have nothing to do with your ex at all, maybe they once did but no longer, happiness and confidence can only be achieved through self-mastery.
Giving Yourself The Space And Time Necessary
Since it is hard to be happy after a break up, you are in a withdrawal after all, being an emotional mess is common, sleep patterns are disturbed, eating is erratic, sometimes you overeat, sometimes you have no appetite, but realize that time and space are absolutely necessary, go ahead and feel the wave of sadness wash over you if you must, but for every second you spend feeling miserable, you dedicate one second to self-improvement.
Journaling is something else I have talked about
Writing your feelings down on a piece of paper has a weird and yet amazing effect at disassociating you with the feeling itself, giving you a clear perspective on the situation, journaling is a popular tool amongst the military.
Another mistake to be avoided is isolating yourself
Spending time with friends is crucial, as they are your pillars of support, go out and travel with them, don’t refuse their invites, go out and have a good time.
Accept your weaknesses and improve on them
Love your strengths and make them your forefront, you might want to avoid dating for a while, but it is recommended that you move on from your ex and date other people, this could take months, years, there is no rush
Start dating again
You might want to date after the break up, not directly after of course, but after you feel ready, you may date before breaking no contact with your ex, I mean, look at the possibilities, you may end up meeting someone better and more suited for you, and it will help you gain perspective and the most important thing it does is remove your tunnel vision from one person to the whole world.
Now let’s talk about the habitual changes that you need to apply:
Most of the time, it was your behavior and character flaws that pushed your ex away, it could be that you tried to possess your ex, it may be because you had some obvious insecurities that your ex didn’t want to deal with.
Perhaps you let yourself go physically, could be a lot of things from your personality flaws like “lack of motivation and general laziness” or maybe you didn’t want to talk about things that need to be talked about, I mean, let’s be brutally honest here, it could be that your ex was a bad apple, I’m not denying the possibility, but you always must assume that part of that is on you, even if it is 1 percent.
Your duty towards yourself is to fix that problem, after identifying it, and whether you get your ex back or you get someone else, it’s all the same, your duty to better yourself never stops, single or not.
Obviously, therapy is an option, you could try mixing therapy with the gym routine, which would work wonders, and if you think any of the problems that I mentioned above might be the cause of your break up, and then you better get right to fixing them.
Now, let’s get to know why you want to get into a relationship with your ex again, and this is a part where you can get offended, though it is by no means why I do this, it is merely that the truth and the matters of the heart hurt the most.
If you think you love your ex, or you’re miserable without them, or you desperately want them in your future, or the oh so terrible expression “she was the one for me” then you are in the wrong headspace, to begin with, my friend, you are still in denial about the situation, which is a natural reaction to what happened, or it could be that you are trying to make a deal with the unknown forces of the universe (bargaining), which are actually the first two things to experience.
It is understandable that you want to do that, but whether this is the “good” or “right” choice is something else entirely, if your relationship with your ex was bad, your mind might just forget all of that and still want to be with them, not because it’s good for you in any way, to be honest, it is just that you want to be with them BECAUSE you miss them, nothing more.
Missing someone is not necessarily loving them, and literally, the only way to get a clear head about the situation, is to do no contact, bringing us full circle, it is simply that the mind works in such a way that confuses love for “attachment”.
Most relationships have their disagreements, most have their fair share of fights and the couples have to compromise sometimes because they value the relationship of two more than their individual self-interest.
But if you two decided to break up, then there must be a damning reason why that happened, and the relationship simply had to be broken, so I’m being serious when I’m saying, your ex is not the only person in the world, and you should seriously think this through before making a decision about trying to get them back.
In fact, let me ask you the question that you’re too afraid to ask yourself; was your ex really that good for you? look at it this way, your mind tricks you the same way it does everyone, rose colored glasses, worshipping the memory of an ex, they were perfect, yatty yatty yatta, completely untrue, you and your ex are both human, and perfect humans don’t break up, there was something wrong with them too.
Don’t listen to the heart of the child, but use the adult brain in this situation, big head over small head okay buddy?
You have to see both positives and negatives from a clear point of view, rather, an “objective” point of view, what were your values? What were your ex’s values? Did you two have similar goals?
No one else but you can make your happiness, understanding your personality, goals, and purpose is necessary to find someone that is actually right for you and not just a placeholder for the goals that you didn’t figure out.
Do you think your ex was right for you? If so, what makes you think that? Did you think that you broke up for a good reason or not?
You have a lot of time on your hands to reflect on this, I can almost guarantee you wouldn’t want your ex back after this, but since you won’t believe me straight away on this one, I am letting you figure it out for yourself.
Whatever decision you choose to make right now, make it with a clear head, so take your time to reflect, improve, date around, later on, get to know yourself and what you want, if you are sure you want your ex back after this, and you are determined that this is the right decision you are making, then we need to find out what was broken in that relationship and get that part handled.
Now we get to the part of identifying what broke the relationship and fixing it, so bear with me through this part, we are going to get personal.
Every scenario where both couples got back together had something in common, they both talked exactly about what they thought went wrong with the relationship, and they both had a mutual desire to get back together, there are many reasons why relationships end, though, there are certain things that stand on top.
A loss of attraction can be the result of too much arguing, communication issues, one of the couples getting too controlling or too insecure around the other, mistrust of the partner, hell it could even be a commitment issue if the couples or one of them at least didn’t have a healthy level of attachment to the other, or it could be something that’s worse, like cheating, fighting, or a lot of stress and uneasiness around each other, if a relationship fell into a routine and it got boring over time, that can be and often times is the cause of the break up and the loss of attraction.
Your partner might not tell you the truth about the reason the break up happened, what they say in the heat of the moment counts for little, compared to what they think after reflecting on the past, later on, try to reflect on what happened, often times the other person has fallen for you at some point, attraction cannot truly be faked or controlled, your ex has loved you at some point, the break up is hard for them as much as for you.
If you want them back and you are set on your decision, you will feel an obligation to figure out the root cause of the break up, if you do, you can start working on whatever insecurities that may have cost you the relationship. If you somehow get your ex back without fixing these issues, then you are most definitely going to break up again, for the exact same reason, and in my own experience, the second break up is usually final.
Without this internal work, it is a guarantee that you will fall back into old habits, and argue and fight for the same reasons, a break up is inevitable. The second time feels even worse, because you are hurt again, with absolutely no new lesson learned, and it is going to be bad for both of you.
After the problem that caused your break up is fixed, then it is time to break no contact and talk to your ex again.
The fourth step is breaking the no contact, this is breaking the ice, and to be honest, your chance at doing this, removing forever the impression that drove your ex away in the first place.
whether you like it or not, back then, you were of low value to them, since no one in their right mind would remove a valuable person from their lives, but now that you did no contact, they are wondering what happened with you during that time, and since you will be clearing your bad late image through absence, making them remember only the positive side of you, you are dropping a bomb of truth on them in that first meeting, a completely new you, more matured, sexier and even better than the first person they fell in love with initially, thus making them ask the very uncomfortable “why did I break up with him again?”
Your hard work paid off, you are happier, better looking, financially in a better place, but for that to happen, you need to do all of the hard work above, you may be wondering of course to when you should be contacting your ex, after making sure you are doing well both physically, mentally and
financially, we should contact our exes when they miss us the most, and we are detached enough and wiser to our errors to prevent the neediness, desperation, and the trap of falling into the same patterns.
Most guys screw this part up because they do it too soon without thinking, and they do this exactly because they miss their exes, even if you do get your ex back, you are bound to sabotage it, by making the same mistake and having your ex turn colder on you since you’ll be reminding them of the times where you used to do that in the past, my point is, you have to wait for the right moment, these are useful references if you’re asking yourself the question of contacting them or not:
If you have been doing no contact for months, if you are mentally stable and no longer an emotional mess and hurting from the break up, if you made significant and obvious progress in your life, in all of the ways mentioned above, and especially if you are sure this is the right decision.
Other than that, have you dated around at least one other girl in the no contact period? This is advisable for me, not to necessarily have sex, but to get to know your options, and if you are mentally prepared to have an attitude of “take it or leave it”, since there is, and I repeat, no guarantee that you’ll get your ex back, and lastly if you are fully over your tunnel vision and realized the world itself is a dating pool and you are not limited to your ex.
4- The Fourth Step Is Breaking No Contact
What is the best way to contact your ex?
To be honest, I usually call them, calling takes balls, and an absolute carelessness whether they reply or not, which you should be In anyway, but I understand that most men would completely reject the idea out of fear, understandable my friend, you want to keep it simple and risk free? Just text.
No overthinking, no philosophizing, text them, and get on with your life, it should not phase you at all, and for the love of God don’t be checking your phone during work and while driving or anything like that, you just move on about your day, the key here is to “not” care.
The way you contact your ex does not matter one bit if I’m being honest, email, social media, whatever you do will work if they are sufficiently interested, what truly matters is what you write here, the message itself has a purpose, rather, many purposes.
It lets your ex know that you’ve accepted the break up, you’re not hurt over it anymore, and that it was probably good that it happened as it was a sign of incompatibility, it is good since you’re letting them know for sure that you can go on without them, no neediness or desperation here.
Apologize (only if you have to) if you did something wrong in the relationship and if you did something after the break up, and honestly, you should, there is nothing I personally dislike more than “post break up drama”; if the past is forgiven the future is brighter.
To re-establish your new and better image, here is an important thing to note, if your ex was attracted to you at any point, trust me when I say, if you have mutual friends or if you posted anything on social media or a new picture, I can bet that she already knows, or has some idea, so don’t reveal too much really, you don’t have to risk being a desperate show off, girls know, trust that.
Give her an indirect hint about how you’re doing, let her wonder and play with her imagination, girls
like doing that, and you would benefit from your absolute best friend, a girl’s imagination and curiosity, she may even contact you later on if things seem good enough between you too, it is imperative that you wait for your ex to contact you, remember, tennis is a two player game, and when you hit the ball, it is literally her hitting it back at you, you have to wait for her to do so, doing it any other way is smothering your partner, and extremely needy behavior, obviously this risks and damn near guarantees them being driven away, again, and for good.
This of course requires a significant change in your own life which needs a lot of hard work, you cannot simply be the same person, act the same way, have the same lifestyle, and expect things to magically be different.
Some dating coaches may suggest a romantic gesture or flashing high value, or the god awful handwritten letter. Please refrain from any flashy moves, girls all over the world know that is insecure behavior, stick to a text, if they don’t respond to a text, then they weren’t going to respond in the first place.
You and your ex know what happened more than anyone else, and you know your ex more than any of your friends, when taking advice, be careful whom you choose to follow, most of the communication between you and your ex will be done and should be done by you, you know what she likes, hates, and you two probably have a special vocabulary and language code between the two of you, jokes that only the two of you know. Make sure the messages are short, have a personal touch to them, and send them on the platform your ex likes to use the most.
Though, texts have one big con of being easily misunderstood, so don’t text anything serious, keep it light hearted and fun, use your better judgment.
If you had to have rules on texting, then I can easily sum it up as “don’t be needy or unattractive, get to the point and for the love of God don’t send a meaningless message.”, a meaningless message being “hey” or “what’s up” out of nowhere, a needy message being “I want you back baby, I need you in my life, I feel like crap without you around.”, in fact, if you want to send your ex running away at the speed of light, send her those texts.
Another point is not sending offensive or negative or hate filled texts, it sends a message that you’re angry and women simply don’t deal with angry men at all, especially angry exes because it is creepy and threatening.
Alright, now that we are done with “what not to do”, let us get to the tricky “what to do part”, you could break the ice by talking about something that may have reminded you of them, it is literally a question of whether said thing is emotionally significant enough when one of my exes broke no contact with me we talked about the new season of Vikings, seriously, it is that easy, no need to beat yourself up about choosing the best topic to talk about, all that matters is that your ex is in a mental state to reciprocate your approach, and the conversation will carry itself by itself very smoothly.
You could, very subtly, remind them of a memory, a great one you two shared, but you must not be obvious about that, all you have to do is allude to a certain day, or date, or conversation you two had, maybe refer to the first time you kissed, had sex, confessed feelings, your choice, you know your ex better than I or anyone else does.
Tell them, indirectly and subtly, that you’re going to events with your friends, this communicates that you did in fact have a life outside of them, don’t attempt to make her feel jealous or share photos of you with girls, this isn’t about making obvious power moves or some ridiculous crap like that, it is about using her imagination, which is, like I said, your best friend in helping you attract her back.
Be funny, subtle, and talk about you going to see a movie with a friend, keep it at that, that will get her mind running if she is attracted to you; it is safe to assume that she is interested, otherwise, she would not have responded to you in the first place. And by the way, if you’re wondering what to do next, trust me, we are getting there, we don’t plan on you being her texting buddy or pen pal, that’s not what’s going to happen here, our job right now in this texting phase is building some sort of lost rapport and attraction, and that is all for the texting phase.
If you feel it is appropriate for you to call them if they are reciprocating, then call them and have a short conversation, you can ask them out when the moment is right, by the way, this is two friends hanging out *wink wink*, if they agreed to meet, don’t call it a date, it is obvious, you don’t have to say it out loud, it is almost a funny covert contract between exes who decide to meet again after a no contact period.
If you call it a date, your ex who was definitely interested will get the wrong idea of you assuming that you’re official again or something and will put their guard up, so don’t, play the game, don’t call it out.
Go out with them, as a friend first, you can talk it out as much as you want, throw in some sexual hints here and there, don’t make it too obvious, read their body language and intonation and see how they are reacting, you can break the touch barrier if they seemed to have warm enough to your approaches.
If you have done the above steps I mentioned, your psychology will be stable and your body language will be confident enough to handle being around them.
And if they were attracted enough to you in the past, it is easier to attract them later on, but keep in mind it could go either way, make sure you ask them out during a phone call, and if they need some encouragement, or don’t agree directly, don’t be pissed off about it, you could say something like “it should be fun”, but leave it at that, the last thing you want to do is seem too needy.
Don’t overdo it, don’t over pursue them, and don’t beg, or plead, it’s not what we are trying to do, take it or leave it attitude works every time, do not try guilt tripping them into dating you again, or accuse them of anything in the past.
You do not owe them anything, they do not owe you anything either, two friends on a date, nothing more, if they refuse, call it quits and move on until they approach you.
If they do agree to go out with you, getting back together is definitely on their minds but keep in mind, the hardest part is truly out of the way, but there is one more thing left to do.
I have one last thing that’s noteworthy; if you get this lukewarm response from your ex and a nagging feeling that they are wasting your time, just give it a rest.
5- Rebuilding Attraction And Get Your Ex Back Permanently
The last step is meeting up with your ex to build attraction one more time, preferably the last time because if you do these steps properly your ex would be in love with you forever.
When you do finally meet your ex, it is common to see some sort of hesitation on their part, it is a remnant of the breakup, which is fine, you have built enough emotional connection with your ex through texting, calling and a whole relationship to back it up, and you have changed, this hesitation could be explained with them either doubting your new image or just being scared of being attracted to you again and having the same thing happen again, I, of course, am referring to the break up.
They are going to test you by taking slight jabs at your expense, this is called a “shit test”, and most shit tests are as funny as they sound.
But your ex will be looking at your every word and action very skeptically, the only way to win this game is to literally NOT CARE about the outcome of the game in the first place.
Want my advice? Be prepared for losing your ex and stop giving too much crap about impressing them, this has to opposite effect of attracting them.
If you act needy, or desperate your ex will immediately notice and will be turned off, this is truly why I said at first, “take as long as you need in no contact”, there is quite literally zero rush, and you have to, and I mean absolutely have to do all the mental and physical work necessary to ensure that no matter what happens you will be fine without your ex, put some self -respect on your name, as I like to say.
If you feel insecure or needy or scared about the prospect of losing them, don’t even break no contact.
If you have doubts regarding whether you should meet your ex or not, then here’s the deal, I’ll give you a few pointers and see what you think for yourself.
Are you ready to handle shit tests? Because I guarantee you that your ex will try to pull some of that, if you react emotionally, that means you are looking for their validation, one strike and you’re out, to be honest.
Your ex might bring something from the past, or provoke you in some way if you had insecurity, or you shared something with them that can potentially hurt you, they could do that too, if it helps, stay calm when that happens, give them no emotions of anger and don’t let them walk all over you either.
It is about establishing new boundaries, if something is important to you and your ex has crossed her lines with serious intent to hurt you, does that really come from someone that values you? Don’t lie to yourself about your ex’s attraction level, your happiness and self-respect matter more than your ex, if you two want to talk about things that led to the break up, and then do so without provoking each other in any way.
If your social skills went down, and honestly everyone’s social skills took a hit after the lockdown, you may need to date some other people before meeting your ex again, as I cannot stress the importance of doing this enough.
Don’t talk about getting back together, keep in mind, this isn’t even a date *wink wink*.
If you ever get back together, it should be 100% on her, you seduce, that is your job, her job to is to be seductive, if she feels like it, she will propose that you two get back, or she will hint at it strongly, just have a good time with them as much as you can and leave the serious stuff to them, if they ask you how you feel about them, say you like them but you’re not quite sure, you just wanted to see if it
could work out, this puts the responsibility on them to decide, which is the woman’s job in the first place, to try and get a commitment from you, not the opposite.
Don’t seem too eager to get her back in the first place, just maintain an air of distance to keep her guessing, women love guessing games for sure, they won’t say it overtly, but if you know how to play their games, then, by all means, they will love you for it.
After all, remember that they broke up with you in the first place, whether they are worthy of the new version of you is up for you to decide, you are choosing too, after all, this is not a single-player game, they will feel you out, you will feel them out as well.
Don’t chase them, when you shoot them a text, wait for them to get back to you, a 50/50 arrangement works just fine, the same thing goes for desire, you have to see that they are equally as interested in fixing the relationship with you, otherwise, one of you will end up destroyed in seconds what the other was trying to build in months.
If you don’t establish sexual rapport later on it could and it probably will end up in the friend zone, I mean, come on, expecting the girl to make the first move? We all know that’s never going to happen because girls don’t have the stomach for rejection.
You and your ex might end up becoming friends if that’s what you want you can easily have it if your ex is comfortable with you, and you’re not violent or creepy, but that is not what you are looking for, it is true that you two are being friendly to each other, but if that’s not what you want, then have boundaries.
Refuse to be friends with them if they propose it, it is not what you want and it is not respectful for you to lie to yourself or to them about it, accepting her friend request and trying to get into her pants after that is not manly or attractive behavior.
You are a friend, but you two have had sex before, it should be much easier to establish sexual rapport since you already know how to push her buttons, you have to flirt occasionally to gauge their reaction, most of the time, if your ex agreed to meeting up with you and staying in contact, then it is a strong indication that they are attracted to you, and they want you in their lives, it is your job to make sure that you stay in their life as a lover, not a platonic friend while you see her dating other men.
You can build up a rapport, slowly but surely, you don’t have to have sex with them yet, but you need to plant the idea in her head after all.
If they are talking about someone else they are dating, that is disrespectful and is a clear idea that you are currently being friend-zoned, just imagine someone talking about their love lives when you used to date and do the same things, this is either hurtful on purpose or just plain disrespectful, again, never get too emotional about it, stay cool and collected, establish your boundary right then and there, if you accept it, you friend zone yourself my friend, you did it to yourself.
If they cross the boundaries you set for them, then just walk away, for the love of god man, hearing her talk about other men is one thing, tolerating disrespect to your boundaries is the lowest of places you will end up placing yourself in if you sit down and take it, if all fails, you just leave, they will respect you if you respect yourself, that is how it works between men and women since the dawn of mankind.